|
Rules
were made to be broken; therefore, suggestions are made to be ignored |
Dogbert's
Top Secret Management Handbook |
|
If
you have this idea in your head that there's a finish line that you can
cross, then you'll probably get hit by a bus |
Conan
O' Brien |
|
Capital
punishment is as fundamentally wrong
as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty |
Henry
Ford |
|
Rather
let the crime of the guilty go unpunished than condemn the innocent |
Justinian
I |
|
Good
lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge |
Author
Unknown |
|
I
say, if he can do it, and get away with it, and he chooses not to be bothered
by the ethics, then he’s home free |
Crimes
and Misdemeanor |
|
See,
you don't have to outrun something if you can outwit it. |
Garfield |
|
The
purpose of school is to prepare our kids for the real world, but in the real
world people don’t give a shit. |
The Onion News |
|
That’s
what relationships are all about: doing things you hate with somebody you
love. |
Becker |
|
No, I'm not a
pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot,
not an optimist |
Sam Halpern |
|
It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing.
God's not a dumbshit. He
knows how it works. |
Sam Halpern |
|
Son, people will
always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just
be alert when your pants are down |
Sam Halpern |
|
Sometimes life
leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until
later that it's because it fucked you |
Sam Halpern |
|
80 year old Patient: Chicks. You got to tell them what they want to
hear |
Mr. Bennet |
|
Stop waiting for things to get better or
for other people to acquire power and use it in a benevolent fashion to
improve the situation |
Jeffret |
|
People are often their own worst enemies, in part because people like to feel good
about themselves and maintain a positive self-image. |
Jeffret Pfeffer |
|
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be nice. |
By Joel Provano |
|
真正的壞人外表是看不出來的 |
宋少卿 |
|
Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not
the right thing. In other cases, it's the only thing |
Slappy
Squirrel |
|
Children are God’s way of punishing us
for having sex |
Holland
Taylor |
|
If I had eight hours to chop down
a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe |
Abraham Lincon |
|
The more crap you put up with,
the more crap you are going to get. |
|
|
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a
man healthy, but socially dead |
Yakko |
|
If
you assume there's no afterlife, you'll likely have a fuller, more
interesting life |
Stephen Fry |
|
I’m tired of treating the symptom. I want a way to attack the problem |
Charlie |
|
I don’t have
kids. Condoms are cheaper |
Mystro Clark |
|
Rules are for
the guidance of the wise and the obedience of fools |
|
|
Face reality as
it is, not as it was or as you wish it to be |
Jack Welch |
|
If you don't have
a competitive advantage, don't compete |
Jack Welch |
|
I don't look to jump over 7-foot bars: I look
around for 1-foot bars that I can step over. |
|
|
You ought to be able to explain why you’re taking
the job you’re taking, why you’re making the investment you’re making, or
whatever it may be. And if it can’t stand applying pencil to paper, you’d
better think it through some more. And if you can’t write an intelligent
answer to those questions, don't do it. |
|
|
Risk comes from not knowing what you're doing |
Warren Buffet |
|
We don’t care
what smart people think. There aren’t that many of them. |
PHD |
|
Life is like a
sewer: what you get out of it depends on what you put into it. |
Tom Lehrer |
|
No. Politicians
don't wanna scare you,
they wanna keep you
stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit |
Sam Halpern |
|
You screw
without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don’t get to have the dog without the
dog shit |
Sam Halpern |
|
Don't kiss an
ass if it's in the process of shitting on you. |
Sam Halpern |
|
Never attribute
to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity |
Hanlon's razor |
|
It's arbitrary.
Who's your pet, who's your food, who's your insurance salesman |
Garbage Man |
|
(Regarding
giving lectures) What counts is not what you covered, but what counts is what
you uncovered. |
Walter Lewin |
|
I
put much more faith in people who went to established Ivy-League universities
and bought their grades the old-fashioned way |
the Onion American Voices |
|
In
2011-12, Stanford is a $4.1 billion enterprise
|
Stanford Facts 2012 |
|
Leadership
is a form of evil. No one needs to lead you to do something that is obviously
good for you |
Scott Adams |
|
Do
you know how you can help your children? Leave them the f**k alone |
|
|
網友吳伯(72歲)對 |
|
|
あんた達が力を合わせても無駄。ゼロは幾つ集まってもゼロ！ |
藤林杏 |
|
Let's face it, we're not changing
the world. We're building a product that helps people buy more crap - and
watch porn |
Bill Watkins (CEO of Seagate) |
|
l'enfer,
c'est les autres |
No
Exit |
|
Women: You have no values. Your whole
life, it's nihilism, it's cynicism, it's sarcasm,
and orgasm. |
Woody Allen |
|
I’m
not done confusing your moral compass |
Scott
Adams |
|
Yakko: If at first you don’t succeed,
blame it on your parents. |
Yakko
Warner | "Animaniacs"
|
|
If
you scratch a cynic you will find a disappointed idealist |
George Carlin |
|
(Blackadder punched
William Shakespeare right in the face) |
Rowan
Atkinson (Blackadder) |
|
Rules
were made to be broken; therefore, suggestions are made to be ignored |
Dogbert's
Top Secret Management Handbook |
|
泣くまで殴っていい? |
藤林杏 |
|
If
you have this idea in your head that there's a finish line that you can
cross, then you'll probably get hit by a bus |
Conan
O' Brien |
|
PHB: Dilbert, I've decided to
promote you to management! |
Dilbert
TV |
|
Bad
guys have all the fun |
Rowan
Atkinson (Blackadder) |
|
|
Sanjay
Lall |
|
This
is one of the benefits of being a judge, (Mr.
Rice), I can pretty much do whatever I want |
Annie
Corley (Judge Laura Burch) |
|
This
is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice |
Oliver
Wendell Holmes |
|
When
you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people
who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty |
Norm
Crosby |
|
Capital
punishment is as fundamentally wrong
as a cure for crime as charity is wrong as a cure for poverty |
Henry
Ford |
|
The
|
Frank
Zappa |
|
Rather
let the crime of the guilty go unpunished than condemn the innocent |
Justinian
I |
|
Judge:
a law student who marks his own papers |
H.L.
Mencken |
|
Having
your fate rest in the hands of a jury is the same as entrusting yourself to
surgery with a mentally retarded doctor |
Bill
Messing, quoted in Dream World |
|
Good
lawyers know the law; great lawyers know the judge |
Author
Unknown |
|
Stanford
treats students criminally |
Streleski |
|
Go
do something you hate! Being miserable builds character! |
Calvin’s imitation
of his father |
|
Trusting
parents can be hazardous to your health |
Calvin |
|
If
you’re born, it’s too late |
Hobbes |
|
I
never signed up for this group! I wasn’t even consulted. |
Calvin |
|
I
had resolved to be less offended by human nature, but I think I blew it
already. |
Hobbes |
|
I
keep forgetting that rules are only for little nice people |
Calvin |
|
Yet
another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet |
Calvin |
|
A
lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical |
Calvin |
|
孩子把玩具當朋友，成人把朋友當玩具 |
|
|
你有壓力，我有壓力，你做乜挑釁我呀？ |
‘Bus Uncle’ incident |
|
最好的人與最壞的人製造歷史，平庸之輩負責傳宗接代 |
|
|
History
is a set of lies agreed upon. |
Napoleon |
|
至於大陸............他們的民主很簡單。你是民，我是主。 |
|
|
If
you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; |
|
|
Left
brain has nothing right. |
|
|
Perl
- The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption. |
Keith Bostic |
|
Professor: I’m done, but you’re not. |
Stephen |
|
You
know you’ll hate something when they won’t tell you what it is |
|
|
The
very definition of hell is having to maintain someone else's Perl code. |
|
|
I
say, if he can do it, and get away with it, and he chooses not to be bothered
by the ethics, then he’s home free |
|
|
See,
you don't have to outrun something if you can outwit it. |
|
|
Garfield: You know what happens to a
liar? |
|
|
Lawyer: I really resent that! |
John Becker |
|
Garfield: Don’t tell anyone I did something
nice, okay? I got an image to make. |
|
|
Jake: Revenge is a big part in your
life, isn’t it? |
Becker |
|
That made no sense. You’re going to make a great
therapist |
Becker |
|
I’m gonna
make him think that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, |
Jake |
|
Linda: Dr. Becker, if you win the
lottery, will you quit being a doctor? |
|
|
|
|
|
Reggie: You are a miserable human being |
Becker |
|
|
|
|
Patient: I’m dying |
Becker |
|
Becker: Why is it so hard to believe? I
like having a good time. I like people. |
Becker |
|
Becker: If you have a problem, just deal
with it like an adult |
Becker |
|
Kid: I don’t get it. You said adults
were supposed to handle their problems in a mature way. |
Becker |
|
Hey,
I earned the right to bitch |
Becker |
|
Doctor Becker: As a matter of fact, I treat
the diseased with kindness and understanding so that they can come back to
the society and lead a productive life robbing convenient stores for drug
money. |
Becker |
|
Becker, M.D.(trying
to discredit an acupuncturist): Oh
Really? I went to Harvard |
Becker |
|
Well, every time I think God can’t screw me any
worse, he pulled out the old Black and Decker and twist a little harder. |
Becker |
|
I’m
going to find this guy, and scream loathsome cold words until his ears bleed |
Becker |
|
I
see people doing something stupid. I tell them that they are doing something
stupid. |
Becker |
|
Opinions
are like butt, everyone’s got one and you don’t want to see yours on a
newspaper. |
Margret |
|
Aha!
You can keep your mouth shut if you were under water |
Margret |
|
You
are a lying bottom feeding low life publicity whore. |
Becker |
|
Everything
I said is purely motivated by stupidity |
Becker |
|
Reggie: I can’t understand why you
can’t be more positive? |
Becker |
|
You
got a cat that gets rid of people?! Can I borrow it? |
Becker |
|
Becker, M.D. (as patient): My test showed slightly
elevated cholesterol |
Becker |
|
Reggie: Becker, will a lucky day
destroy your view of life as a bleak and punishing hell? |
Becker |
|
It’s
always about you being right, isn’t it? No wonder your marriage is falling
apart. |
Linda |
|
Becker: We already have the perfect
relationship. She (the lady at the diner) cooks my food, cleans up after me,
neither of us listen to a thing the other said. It’s like marriage without
the heavy lift. |
Becker |
|
Becker: As soon as you get involved
with a woman, it’s only a matter of time before you’re the next contestant of
‘Guess why I’m mad’ |
Becker |
|
Patient: Doctor, what is it with boys?
They don’t stop. They don’t fear anything. All they do is run, scream and
jump. And they spit. What is that about? |
Becker |
|
Doctor: How many times do I gotta tell you.
You kill pain with liquor and you ease stress with cigarettes. You don’t have
to be a doctor to know these stuff. |
Becker |
|
That’s
what’s wrong with the world. Everybody says everybody does it. So everybody
does it. |
Becker |
|
Becker: What kind of scam are you
people running? |
Becker |
|
Becker: After you burned me on your old
policy, you’re trying to sell me a new one? |
Becker |
|
Becker: I’m going to sue you people! I
have a very aggressive lawyer! |
Becker |
|
The
only problem with playing by the rules is: you end up playing with yourself. |
Jake |
|
Linda: Hey doctor! Do we ever
acknowledge our patient’s birthdays? |
Becker |
|
Margret: What do you think about a
cruise? |
Becker |
|
Bob: Why don’t you give me a shot? |
Becker |
|
You
gotta really cook those
things (hamburgers). You’ve ever been to a packing house? It’s disgusting! |
Becker |
|
Patient: Vasectomy is the only way to
make sure there weren’t any mistakes. You are my family doc, every one of us
is an accident. |
Becker |
|
(In
a sarcastic tone) Amazing! You actually have the ability to create your own
reality and live in it. |
Margret |
|
Father: I admire you. You always say
what’s on your mind. No matter what other people think. I never could do
that. I’m in sales. I always have to be nice. You know how hard it is to be
nice all the time? |
Becker |
|
Doctor: Have you been on any narcotics or
hallucinogens? |
Becker |
|
God
is a concept of man |
Becker |
|
Becker: I thought you didn’t even like
God |
Becker |
|
Religion
is supposed to be about people being nice to each other. |
|
|
Friends
come and go. Cigarettes are always there for you |
Becker |
|
It’s
a medical fact: Men said what they mean. Women set traps to see if you can
guess what they mean. |
Becker |
|
If
you want to know about woman, you don’t ask a woman. Think about it. You want
to know about meat, you ask the cow? |
Becker |
|
Just
like what it did with me. Life will smack her down soon enough. |
Linda |
|
I
tried. I call the Catholics, the Jews and you’re right. They said they
wouldn’t pick him (the bum) up. The Buddhist said they wouldn’t pick him up
either but they said I should be okay with that. |
Margret |
|
I
don’t blame you for being nervous. 12 people who were pissed that they
couldn’t get off jury duty are going to decide for court for the rest of your
life. |
Jake |
|
Lawyer: What’s the matter? You are
ashamed to admit that you are a prostitute? |
Becker |
|
I
guess I also learned something about practice in medicine: it’s not just
about healing, but also about covering your ass. |
Becker |
|
(To
the therapist) I don’t need work. Society needs work. |
Becker |
|
The
world will never become a better place until morons like that are held up to
a higher standard by candyass
pushovers like you (the therapist). |
Becker |
|
(To
the therapist) That’s great! You’re just as angry as I am. You just hide it
behind the cardigan sweater and the saccharin smile. |
Becker |
|
Therapist: When I first met you I though
you are the one with the problem. The more I thought about what you said, the
more so, I think you might be the sanest person I’ve ever met. |
Becker |
|
You’re
right about what you said about not letting other people all over me. |
Therapist |
|
Show
the judge that you are not going to be the slave of the system. |
Therapist |
|
(To
Becker) Come on. It’s no fun if you don’t get upset. |
Reggie |
|
Well
it’s official: Love’s not only blind, it’s deaf and dumb |
Becker |
|
Becker: I’m about to beat the system! |
Becker |
|
I
got germs in my lung. I’m trying to smoke them out |
Becker |
|
Why
do parents think it’s front page news every time
their kid farted? |
Becker |
|
Bob: Why do you even care? |
Becker |
|
Happiness
is a myth. People are just brainwashing to think they’re supposed to want
something more than they have |
Becker |
|
Nothing
good ever comes from telling me to shut up |
Becker |
|
No
expectation. No disappointment. |
Becker |
|
Let
me give you some advice here: Don’t dream. Don’t hope. You are never going to
make a difference. And you’re never going to get what you want. |
Becker |
|
Margret: May be what you did was the
right thing. |
Becker |
|
The
next time you want to pet an animal, try a dog. |
Becker |
|
I’m
thinking even Oprah will kick her butt |
Margret |
|
I
knew the rest of my life is garbage, but I had the illusion that I was doing
something here. |
Becker |
|
The
world is filled with idiots. Somebody has to point it out to them or they’ll
never know. If they don’t know, they can’t change. Believe me. They need to
change. |
Becker |
|
That’s
what relationships are all about: doing things you hate with somebody you
love. |
Becker |
|
I’ve
been to |
Becker |
|
If
your husband’s unemployed, and your house is on wheels. Maybe you ought to
buy less beer and more condoms |
Becker |
|
You
are free not to like me either as long as you do it for the right reason. And
if you don’t like that you can kiss my ass. |
Becker |
|
Oh
… just another casualty of organized religion |
Becker |
|
問君能有幾多愁，恰似一群太監上青樓。 |
雷人网事 |
|
No, I'm not a
pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot,
not an optimist |
Sam Halpern |
|
The whole world
is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair
project so I’m giving it to him. |
Sam Halpern |
|
It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing.
God's not a dumbshit. He
knows how it works. |
Sam Halpern |
|
Son, people will
always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just
be alert when your pants are down |
Sam Halpern |
|
Sometimes life
leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until
later that it's because it fucked you |
Sam Halpern |
|
Jake: Hi Ron, we’ve
been at this for a long time now, and still can’t find anything to convince
you that your life is worth living |
Becker |
|
80 year old Patient: Chicks. You got to tell them what they want to
hear |
Mr. Bennet |
|
(To Dr. Becker): Oh they are building you a condo in hell as we
speak |
Margret |
|
Patient’s Brother: That’s OK. I forgive you. |
Becker |
|
(After Linda said something pointless but sounds
deep) Margret: Linda, you have
got to stop watching Oprah |
Becker |
|
表面だけ繕って、腹の中で何考えてんのがわからない奴、大嫌いなのよね |
フォルテ |
|
コトリ：裏表のある人間なんて掃いて捨てるホドいるとおもいますケド？ |
ぷちはうんど |
|
お金めちゃくちゃ好きなのよ。お金って、人間と違って裏切らないし面倒臭くないでしょ。 |
フォルテ |
|
Yakko (King): I appoint you to be the minister of
all girly things that I don’t understand. |
Animaniacs |
|
If doctors practiced medicine like
managers practice management, most of them would be in jail |
Jeffret |
|
Stop waiting for things to get better or
for other people to acquire power and use it in a benevolent fashion to
improve the situation |
Jeffret |
|
People are often their own worst enemies, in part because people like to feel good
about themselves and maintain a positive self-image. |
Jeffret Pfeffer |
|
Sometimes it doesn't pay to be nice. |
By Joel Provano |
|
真正的壞人外表是看不出來的 |
宋少卿 |
|
如果不小心已經當了半輩子好人、現在學壞還來得及嗎？ |
馮翊綱 |
|
I think I need to go chop off my own
dick now. I don’t need my children growing up in a world populated by
dipshits like you. |
|
|
I would rather get down with inmates.
They're interesting, they're dramatic, they've
overstepped the bounds of society. Some of it is high principle; some of it
is low principle. |
|
|
I like digging up dirt and shattering
people's illusions about themselves |
|
|
If I were a better person, I'd ignore
her and go on with my life. But I'm not. |
Slappy
Squirrel |
|
Skippy, in most cases, revenge is not
the right thing. In other cases, it's the only thing |
Slappy
Squirrel |
|
We can't compete on price. We also can't
compete on quality, features or service. That leaves fraud, which I'd like
you to call marketing. |
Pointy
Haired Boss |
|
I hate mankind, for I think of myself as one of the best
of them, and I know how bad I am |
Samuel
Johnson |
|
Look, Folks. I’m not in this business to
make friends. I just love to wake
people up. |
Roy
the Rooster |
|
Sometimes it’s just hard to fight primal
instincts |
|
|
There is no rehab for stupidity |
Chris
Rock |
|
Pointy
Haired Boss: Who can define “Values”? Anyone? |
Scott
Adams |
|
這個時代的人，就是不肯接受殘酷的現實。 |
偷心大聖PS男 |
|
被欺負如果不還手的話，只會招到更大的羞辱 |
偷心大聖PS男 |
|
I’ve
spent my life caring, giving and searching for the profound. Now it’s time
for selfishness, indifference and embracing the shallow |
Wilson |
|
I’m
tired of treating the symptom. I want a way to attack the problem |
Charlie |
|
Life
is pain |
House |
|
Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go
through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for
money? By the way, another accepted usage for the word 'ho' |
Sheldon
Cooper |
|
|
倫文敘老點柳先開 |
|
銑錢鏟鋰鎰鑊、柑蕉桔梨蘿柚、雁鷲鵰狸獅狒 |
倫文敘老點柳先開 |
|
I don’t have kids. Condoms are cheaper |
Mystro Clark |
|
With great power comes with great micromanaging. |
House |
|
All I want is to be a monkey of moderate
intelligence who wears a suit … that’s why I’m transferring to business
school! |
Guenter |
|
走官路走不通，靠法律靠不住，要人没人，要法律没法律，自己也没武器，被欺负了去哪说？ 说了谁理？ |
Summazheng |
|
Rules are for
the guidance of the wise and the obedience of fools |
|
|
Face reality as it
is, not as it was or as you wish it to be |
Jack Welch |
|
If you don't
have a competitive advantage, don't compete |
Jack Welch |
|
I don't look to
jump over 7-foot bars: I look around for 1-foot bars that I can step over. |
|
|
You ought to be
able to explain why you’re taking the job you’re taking, why you’re making
the investment you’re making, or whatever it may be. And if it can’t stand
applying pencil to paper, you’d better think it through some more. And if you
can’t write an intelligent answer to those questions, don't do it. |
|
|
Life in prison
was a breeze for me, because at that point I'd spent most of life at boarding
school |
Stephen Fry |
|
I died on the
inside years ago. Now I’m just a fleshy container full of coffee and
resentment. |
Wally |
|
He's a
politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend
to like people while you're fucking them |
Sam Halpern |
|
"They're
offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck;
they're just words...Fine. |
Sam Halpern |
|
Here’s how my
brain works: It’s stupidity, followed by self hatred, and then further analysis |
Louis CK |
|
They say
everybody has a romantic match, and they say the key to happiness is to avoid
that person at all costs |
Dilbert Comics |
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もっとも邪悪な人間もまた、天使の顔をしているそうですよ |
杉下右京 |
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We are building a dam. |
Jimmy
Kimmel |
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Oprah tells
women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do... |
Adam
Carolla |
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You know you've
botched it when people sympathizes with lawyers |
George
W. Bush |
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Porn is so deep |
Squigly |
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The
good thing about having a computer is you can switch it off when you’ve
finished – you can’t switch off a wife |
Gerrard |
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When
it's between math and intuition and they collide, the math wins. |
Merhan Sahami |
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